That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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