OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
