I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We have so much sex to catch up on
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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