birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
