The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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