I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
