apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
