if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
