i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
