not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
