true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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