there's paper in my vomit.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
