i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
