She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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