i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Randomize
