Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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