Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
