everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Semen is not good for contacts.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
