Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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