he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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