he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
