3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Randomize
