I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize