If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
