Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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