I met the friendliest cop last night
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
