You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
