I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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