My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
