do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
