Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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