So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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