Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
