We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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