Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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