Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
