who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
