you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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