my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
