Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
