My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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