I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
