How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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