thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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