I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
