I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
