If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
