omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
