im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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