My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
