I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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