: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
