Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
