My hand turned me down
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
