when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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