I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize