is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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