Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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