This is not my ceiling
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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